Tag: motherhood

mother’s day

parenting, Uncategorized May 12, 2014

When I entered college I took my education seriously, throwing myself headlong into a search for the truth. I wanted to know what it meant, I wanted order, and I wanted answers. Jesus comforted me and the Jewish God pulled me because of the blood in my veins. I was more able to let my reason wrangle with some Eastern doctrines, but I was never able to believe. Nietzsche scared me and I searched St. Augustine’s confessions trying to find his gateway to enlightenment in the orchard so that I might follow. Shakespeare, Aristotle, Plato, Emerson, Heidegger, Chaucer and on and on. All beautiful all persuasive no answers. More questions.

So I traveled to see if the world itself held answers. What I saw was a world so vast and so beautiful so complex so full of suffering and so beyond me. I resolved to abandon a search for meaning and truth in favor of service in an effort to gain some control and attempt to help to alleviate what suffering I could. This led me back home and to law school. All jokes aside, I entered and graduated with the earnest desire to help and a belief that it was possible.

After a little over one year, toiling in the public sector of criminal justice, I became pregnant. I watched helplessly as battered women returned to their abusers. I read police report after police report detailing the sordid details of the day to day suffering and abuses of my fellow citizens. I saw poverty and education and addiction and circumstance after circumstance that led people to these painful points, sitting before a judge, in cop car, on the run. As my belly grew, so did my fear that I was not actually contributing what I had hoped. That my hands were tied by a vast web of facts and circumstances and cynicism crept in sooner than I would have expected.

Then I gave birth.

It all melted away into the eyes of my child and he became the world. Meaning or truth were nothing to what I felt and I no longer needed them. My fervor to help my fellow men and women drained into the duty of caring for this one human. My restlessness, searching, angst, all were gone and I now spend most my time in the sweet exhaustion of motherhood. I still care about the world and it’s occupants, and and philosophy still move me, but none of it matters when he laughs and cries and sleeps and eats. And when I feel the stir of new life inside my once again growing belly.

I know it isn’t very modern of me. I do love being a mother and am so surprised and quietly joyful that it has brought me so much peace. Happy Mother’s Day.

To new mothers who may be wondering where they went

parenting February 13, 2013

An old friend, newly pregnant, recently posed the following on her Facebook page and asked mothers she knew to respond. I read it eagerly and gratefully. So glad that someone was giving voice to something I keep trying to talk to people about without much success. I am including the link as well as my response to my friend to lend my own voice to a topic that is monumental, but seems to get a little lost.

I became a mother and died to live

Hi friend,

First of all, congratulations! Its going to be wonderful. Second, thank you for the article. It is nice to have someone actually give a little attention to this, without quickly saying ‘but atleast you have your precious baby,’ as if it is not said, you somehow don’t love your child.

My babe is a little over 5 months, and I decided not to go back to work at 3 months as originally planned. Perhaps these feelings wouldn’t have been so strong if I had, perhaps not. I was just beginning my legal career when I got pregnant, something I had been working towards for years. I was in court, in suits, thinking a lot, thinking fast, constantly moving. Now I am at home staring at a sleeping child, wearing leggings and thinking about his poop. I love it, more than I ever imagined possible, but I am struggling to find myself in all of this. I and Me are enveloped in him and love for him. My body as well as soul belong to this little creature. Its a change, the biggest one possible, and it has been very difficult for me. I probably have been going through some PPD, and I also had a lot going on in my life before and after the birth. I think it’s great that you are thinking about this beforehand. It took me by surprise, I think I was too busy to really give it much thought. It is also hard because, the father, the one you are closest to, can’t possibly understand the extent of what you are experiencing.

All that said, it is amazing and I want to do it again as soon as possible if we can figure out how to afford it. Lots of love to you and congratulations.